What My Costa Rican Relatives Think My Life is Like

Versus reality.

Hmm…maybe I should stay. Photo by Zachary Shea on Unsplash

Costa Rican relative: Here, you just leave your tray on the table at McDonald’s. There’s a cafe and WiFi and they bring you coffee and cheesecake. So McDonald’s in New York must be really glamorous! Right?

Me: The McDonald’s near my house yelled at me when I said I ordered chicken nuggets and not a chicken sandwich. It has a half-star review on Yelp. When I leave, I feel lucky that they gave me food, and not a shoe.

Costa Rican relative: You graduated high school…could you help me with my homework?

Me: I can try. Wait, what the hell is that?

Costa Rican relative: It’s the human muscular system.

Me: I never had to learn that. In Texas, our sex ed teacher just told us to never do it, and then showed us a bunch of photos of herpes, and told all the girls that our bodies were temples.

Costa Rican relative: I wouldn’t want to work as a waitress or in retail. I want an office job with A/C. So what kinds of fancy jobs do they have in New York?

Me: I was once paid $10/hour to clean out the storage unit of a hoarder, and I was grateful to get the job. He had hundreds of bobble-head dolls, and a lot of capes. I’m not sure why. We interviewed at a coffee house. His…