Social Media Articles that Should Just Turn Us Off to Social Media

If your friend was dating social media, these discussions would be huge red flags.

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

How to Use Social Media Without Spiraling (Further) into Depression and Suicidal Thoughts.

Wondering how to use Facebook groups without being berated with racist and sexist comments that will degrade your self-worth? Well, you can’t, but this article is good for the aftermath of your misguided experiment. Read this article to learn how to reinflate your ego after strangers on the Internet have implied that you are unattractive and deserve to be assaulted! It won’t take the sting out, but maybe you will be able to muster the energy to start a new Netflix show and order in.

How to Deactivate Your Social Media Accounts by Faking Your Death.

It is harder and harder to delete your social media accounts. If you keep trying to delete them, but you cannot find the option because it is so buried, then this article is for you. We can show you how to fake your own death, pretend to be incarcerated/deported, and any other number of strategies to get social media company moderators to delete your account for you! If you’re lucky, you’ll be banned for life!

How to Use Social Media to Solve Problems Caused By Social Media.

Echo chambers give rise to misinformation and hatred. But here is how you can use social media to send thoughts and prayers to people who will never see your posts, and be seen by people who already agree with you!

How to Actually Delete Your Social Media Apps After You Already Deleted Them.

So, your phone still saves apps that collect data about you after you have “deleted” them. Attempts to make laws protecting consumers have just caused social media companies to circumvent the intentions of these laws and ride technicalities like a boyfriend who doesn’t understand why liking his ex’s pictures make you mad. Here is how to actually delete your social media apps after you have already deleted them! Hint: It involves a hammer and never connecting to the Internet again.

How to Make Money Off Your Children Without Their Consent…Using Social Media!

If you want your kids to grow up and sue you for the fruits of their child labor, please read this article. Learn how to ride the line between happy, picture-perfect family with all kinds of endorsements, and lose it all when the general public realizes you’ve engaged in child abuse. Pick your spouse based on what you think will be attractive features in your offspring. Punish them for not being cute. It’s not just for child actors anymore . . . you too can exploit your kids!

How to Make Money Off Other People’s Children…With Automated Drivel!

Toddlers can watch YouTube videos all the livelong day, and overworked, tired parents cannot always supervise what they are watching. Download this app, which allows you to throw in some Disney cartoons, a pre-drawn background, and a song in the public domain, and watch it randomize ten videos with basically the same content. Upload and watch the views roll in!

Sure, you’re not creating anything of value, and, in fact, those static Disney characters singing the same song over and over can be creepy, but think of the ad revenue!

Those parents won’t know why their kids will grow up having Elsa nightmares, but that’s their fault for letting their kids watch so much TV. Right?

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