Santa, Here’s What I DON’T Want for Christmas.

13 things I can do without.

Santa, you don’t have to fly to my house this year.

I’m going to make it really easy. I would like certain absences. Please just remove certain things from my life. I don’t need any more.

Here is what I don’t want for Christmas:

1. Another Kevin Spacey monologue. You can go ahead and undo that.
2. My student loan interest. I am not interested.
3. My relatives to ask me when I’m coming to visit. I don’t want another conversation about, oh right, there’s a pandemic going on.
4. Any more news about Trump. We can just quietly transition. I don’t want to hear about Tweets or Fox interviews or whatever fake network he’s pressing now.
5. Messages from men who “usually date white girls” but “thought you were pretty.”
6. Phone calls from anyone I owe money to.
7. Phone calls from people I don’t owe money to, but are trying to scare me. I don’t have a car. How can my warranty be expiring?
8. Whatever expired coupon the federal government is going to call a “stimulus” and mail to me. Actually, you know what, I will take whatever it ends up being.
9. Another Russia hack. Didn’t this just happen? Lazy writing for the end of 2020. Recycling plot lines worse than the Jurassic Park franchise.