Sign in

Always and never the same🖤🕸 Buy me an iced latte: Links: 📚

I got my vaccine and reclaimed the West Side.

The Vessel, NYC, Hudson Yards

Yesterday, I got my first dose of the vaccine at the Javits Center. I took the train to Penn. Of course, I was a bit nervous, but also excited to protect myself against the disease that had killed my grandpa.

I don’t particularly like the area west of Penn Station, where the Javits Center is located. For years, it’s been a sore spot in the city for me. It’s where an ex of mine used to work. I would go and meet him during lunch or after work sometimes. I remember seeing him in a suit for the first time…

All of my Kindle books are going to be free for the next two days!

Are you looking for summer reads?

How about a book where Americans are the illegal immigrants in a Latin American country?

Or a magical realism book where a sister has to relive a hoarding groundhog day?

How about a digital nomad turned cancer caregiver?

Have you ever wondered what it’s like blocking dick pics on a dating site as your job?

ALL OF MY AMAZON KINDLE BOOKS WILL BE FREE May 4–5, 2021. Some will be free for longer, but due to Amazon weirdness, some will only be free for those two days.


1. But Lisa, I don’t have a Kindle!

It’s all good! Kindle has a free app you can use on your phone or laptop.

2. But Lisa, I want to pay you for your books!

Too kind, but really, please download it when it’s free, because it’ll boost my ranking!

If you’re itching to give me money, there’s always the tip jar.

I accept Venmo, PayPal, and…

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

I keep seeing, across social media, but mainly on TikTok, successful OnlyFans creators posting their affiliate links and encouraging others to START CREATING.

I’m on board with OF, generally. Sex work is real work. OF lets creators remain safe, and gives them a way to create personal content and so, make more in tips.

It’s also a way people can engage with the content creators (which, by the way, creates more work for content creators. You don’t get to tell a porn star what you want them to wear, but when the masses can take requests and your livelihood relies…

A Simple Instagram Survey.

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

As a joke, I took a poll—Would you rather receive an unsolicited dong picture, or an unsolicited butt picture?

Most people picked butt. 80%, in fact. Now, this isn’t a huge sample size. Maybe 60 people total responded.

Then I asked another question—Who wants to go back to pre-Covid normal?

Only 10% said they would. Same number of people responded…about 60.

This is by no means some kind of scientific study. This is me goofing around with Instagram. But I found it interesting that people preferred the dong photo over going back to 2019 normal.

And I received an influx…

In a traumatized world, The Matrix looks tempting…even smart.

Photo by Lucrezia Carnelos on Unsplash

I see more and more people talking about the feeling that everything is “fake.” Nothing is “real.” People are looking for an exact point for when they felt this break with reality, but my always-traumatized brain is just seeing 🚩🚩🚩.

I felt like this when I moved back to the United States as a kid. I was diagnosed with epilepsy. I was hallucinating all the time, so I definitely had trouble telling real from not real (a hint—reality is annoyingly persistent, hallucinations are fleeting). I commonly subscribed to nihilishm. Nothing mattered. Who cared what I did? This all wasn’t real.

How the hyper-sexy shows impacted my adolescence.

Adriana Lima was 17 on her first Victoria’s Secret runway walk. CREDIT: POOL BENAINOUS/DUCLOS/GAMMA-RAPHO VIA GETTY

My first boyfriend wanted me to look like Adriana Lima.

He wanted me to wear colored contacts to cover my brown eyes. My own mother, who is white with blue eyes, seemed to echo the idea that she was the ideal. She never named Lima, but she also talked about how much more exotic I would look with clear eyes. And the adult men around me all lusted after Lima, Britney Spears, etc., when they were honest-to-God teenagers.

I remember when the Olsen twins were turning 18. There was a countdown to when they would be “legal.” It was horrific…

In the event of the End of Days.

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash

“So if like, the world ends. Zombies. Whatever. What kind of guy would you want to help you survive?”

“Bold of you to assume I would want to survive. I think I’d jump off the top floor of my apartment building. Just…swan dive so no zombies could eat my brains.”

“Just answer the question.”

“So I’m supposed to pick between like, the tough violent guy, or the nerd who can make electricity, or…in the harem of the new King of Zombies who hoarded the toilet paper and oil or something?”


“Well. Uh. Hm.”


“I don’t think I’d be…

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

She finally came out with it and said what had happened to her.

“You’re a mother now. You don’t have time to worry about that. Besides, it was a long time ago, and you turned out fine.”

She was invited back to her mother’s house for holidays. She said she didn’t want to stay there. She said she would book a hotel.

“That would hurt Mom’s feelings. How could you do that to her?”

Nobody seemed to care about her feelings at all.

It didn’t go away.

She didn’t want her daughter, then her daughters, to see any man, not…

With a little facetuning?

Made with Canva

“Sooo you know how, since I’ve had Corbin, I’ve switched my brand’s focus to mom brands and mom things.”

“Yeah. Your photos are cute! I love the workout series. So relatable.”

“I love you for saying that because it’s exactly what I was going for. You know, I never show my abs and always wear long leggings just so more moms can relate to me. I feel like showing them would just kind of ruin my mom cred. I mean, nobody has to know I had work done.”

“No really, it’s great.”

“Okay well, since you know my brand so…

How things could have been…in the could have been.

Photo by Anne Nygård on Unsplash

Angel: Wait! Before you jump off that bridge…I’m going to show you what life would be like without you.

George: Oh. An angel. Great. Well. Okay. Sure.

Angel: Well. Here’s the space that you turned into a park. It’s a cemetery now. No park.

George: Well, cemeteries are also important. Actually, since the park is there now, where are these people buried in my timeline?

Angel: Uh…I think they have to pay more for plots in other towns.

George: So this is kind of neutral, I guess?

Angel: Okay okay. But what about that blonde woman all the men in…

Lisa Martens

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store