I thought they’d finally perfect heterosexual, penetrative sex and show us all what went wrong. I thought it would be beautiful, synchronized, like watching an old couple dancing with one another. I thought they would know each other’s bodies in a holy, miraculous way.
I envisioned a kind of electric…
Yes, most of them assume English is not my first language, and are shocked when I can speak. They can’t help but compliment me…even though, like them, I’m American.
These days, I just reply, “I learned English from Tupac and Biggie.”
News flash—Americans of all colors, ages, sizes, and genders…
When she turned 30, my mom started having anxiety attacks that caused her to be unable to drive. She started to work from home…yes, in the early 2000s (welcome, reluctant employers, to the past), and searching the internet for what was wrong with her.
As a teenager (yes, my mom…
Credit: https://unsplash.com/photos/dus1vufqJPc
Hello! To the parent yelling at me in the comment section who insists that kids are the absolute best and they totally don’t regret it.
Hello! To the parent who writes a laundry list of ways their life has changed, how they’re tired and overworked, and how they…
His balls were high and firm, but they would only be that way for a summer. You could tell he would only be fertile for a short time. He was an early bloomer, and needed to be plucked while he was ripe…before his testicles shriveled like the avocados they so…
Whenever I talk about student loans, inevitably, someone asks if I regret taking it out. If I regret not going to a cheaper school or forgoing a college education entirely.
For context, I went to a cheaper school the first two years and transferred into NYU, so my student loan…
I love Jurassic Park and its moral lessons. I literally have a “Life finds a way” sticker on my laptop.
The Jurassic World franchise, while fun, doesn’t pack as much of a philosophical punch. I think it tries with the whole…the dinosaurs are alive and you have to form relationships…
Don’t get tested. You’re fine. Your throat is just dry.
You’re positive? Why did you get tested? You have to isolate for five days from the day you were exposed…It’s probably been five days, right?
Just don’t cough on people.
If you take off, your co-workers will be mad at…
For most of my twenties, I felt like I was trying to please everyone. I had a good tech job, I dated, and I secretly made art.
But something was wrong. I didn’t like my job and I actively didn’t want to be promoted. I dated but I didn’t see…
A few months ago, a relative got me Medium underwear just in case I lost weight. I laughed and assured them I would stay an L.
And I’m saying the same to Kim K and returning 2000s trends. Back then, I shopped at Sears for fuller-figure jeans…or I avoided jeans…
